I didn’t do it

I couldn’t go through with my date. It was rescheduled from Wednesday to tonight but just I couldn’t go through with it. I can’t bring myself to be real and open to anyone right now. I’m a chicken shit when push comes to shove apparently. As I told a friend earlier, I can talk the talk but can’t walk the walk.

I’ve gone this path in the past since my divorce. I never seemed to look for someone to be with for the right reasons. Being lonely is so different than being alone. If that’s the only reason I want to be with someone is to avoid loneliness then I’m avoiding the reason I’m unhappy and lonely. The other big issue is that I really don’t have the confidence to be attractive to someone else. Regardless of what CB assured me, my looks were inconsequential to the personality he had become attracted to. The problem is that the person behind the written word is so not the woman who would show up. I let my head get so far into setting me up for failure that I panicked. A full out anxiety attack that forced me to stick my head back in the sand. I’m not going to change my mind.

I will continue my self imposed social blackout. It just doesn’t make sense to me right now to attempt to bring someone into my life that might lead to intimacy. I’ve second guessed myself for the last 24 hours and I’m exhausted from it.

Back to the drawing board of life. I’ll keep working on the inner me and maybe someday the desire to not be alone will pass. Until then…tomorrow’s another day to work on it.

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Jumping in feet first

I’ve been trying to work up the courage to meet CB. Since we met at the store 2 weeks ago, there has been only texting. I’m still hesitant to give out my phone number and I’m not inviting into my home. I have agreed to see him tomorrow evening, my one night a week I’m childless. I’ve been able to verify he’s neither a serial killer, rapist or trying to be something he’s not. He’s a former Army Ranger. I have a thing for military men apparently when I look back at my dating history since my divorce. Not sure what will happen or if the chemistry between us from texting will translate better in person. Fingers crossed. I feel confident that it’s going to be a good experience. More to come later, too busy at work today for writing extensively.

if you haven’t heard from me

it’s because I’ve been sexting. You read that right, sexting, not texting.

For the past week I have been exploring the idea of meeting someone I met quite by accident. I say by accident because I never leave the house except to go to work or walk into work then back to my car to come home. Of course the stops at the store or gas station get in there, but human interaction is severely limited and avoided. Yes, I’m antisocial. And when in public it’s never spent ogling, flirting, or slyly perusing the opposite sex.

I don’t catch on to most social cues unless you are direct with your intent. I’m simply not interested enough to ask what you want if you just give me a look. I’m sure I’ve missed out on countless meaningful interactions. I also daydream, constantly.  So for a man to enter my atmosphere and actually make his intentions known without so much as a glance from me is unheard of.

I was walking through the “in” door to  the supermarket last week when this stranger walking past me said “Smile sweetheart”. I stopped and smiled. Then proceeded to walk by without another thought. What I didn’t know was that he would turn around and follow me in and come stand next me while I was untangling a buggy. Scared the ever loving shit out of me, and made me jump. I made to move out of his way when he asked me if I was okay. “Of course” I said, “excuse me”. He said “I’m sorry, I scared you, but when you smiled for me you made my pulse race”.

I’m extremely sarcastic and cynical and thought “yeah, Right” and said as much. By now we are blocking the aisle, so I took off to clear the jam and get to my shopping. As I maneuvered my way around the displays a hand touched my arm. I will tell you now that I never allow anyone to touch me unsolicited. I wear the face of keep your distance well and can’t even count on a single hand when someone has done so without serious backlash from me. For this man to feel compelled to approach me, in such a way to me is overwhelming.

Fight or flight didn’t kick in. It was more deer in the headlights. I stood there literally stunned by his boldness. No crazy face or dangerous threatening vibe coming from him , just genuine interest looking back at me.

Let me backtrack a moment. This is a man who would never garner a second look from me. He’s a solid 6 feet tall, 250 lbs easily, late 30’s. Not pretty or attractive, just average. I’m 5’4, over 200 lbs, not pretty or attractive, just your frumpy average 43 year old woman with a perpetual unsmiling face. Just how I’m made. I don’t sugarcoat anything.

Back to the story… so after my initial shock wore off , I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted to see me smile again and often. Insert cartoon reaction here. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been on this planet for 40 + years now and have NEVER been randomly approached by a man, in public, during the daylight, much less in an environment that wasn’t smoked filled and full of drunk people. I’ve been divorced going on 14 years. Dateless and celibate for 5 years. I simply do not have a clue what the hell he saw in that smile.

He asked my name and told me his. Then he point blank asked me out on a date. My immediate response was “No”. My internal dialogue was “holy fuck, is this guy for real?”. He asked me why not. I told him I simply wasn’t interested in dating and don’t have the time but thanks. Bye Bye now. Nope, no bye bye. He said what if I call you and change your mind. Oh hell to the no, I don’t give out my phone number to strangers. How bout my email address? Still not happening dude. How bout a nice chat on messenger where I’ll convince you to give me a chance? No, no and no to anything and everything else you can come up with. He says “Come on, you’re curious now, gimme a chance”.  I said “Fine, it’s your time to waste. You can find me on Kik at ********. I really do not have anymore time to waste right now. Good bye”.

I walked away without a second thought. I totally forgot about the entire thing till I was driving home and decided to make a post about it. Cuz, damn, Damn and triple Damn, I was stumped.  Which brings me back to the beginning. If you haven’t heard from me it’s because I’ve been sexting Mr. Supermarket and I am seriously contemplating meeting this man to end my five year dry spell of celibacy. Once he reached out to me and I willingly yet hesitantly replied, we struck up a rather mutually satisfying conversation. He’s well written, very sweet, funny, dirty minded(oh yeah), open-minded and completely bewitching. I’ll admit to being seduced by his words. He’s exactly the kind of man I would have looked for but never found on my own. He seems genuinely interested in me and my pleasure. I’ve never been with a man who ever gave more than he took.  The idea that I could be on the receiving end of such unselfishness, sign me up.

I’m not a good girl or even all that sweet, but I am a generally an all around nice person. I’m not selfish, heartless or uncaring. That said, I don’t suffer fools lightly, can’t stand macho posturing, stupid people and hate boring conversations. I have an innate ability to suss out liars and fakes so for my bullshit meter to register at zero with him is very intriguing. I pride myself in being hypervigilant when around someone new.  Boundaries and walls are up till I know for sure what I’m getting into. I know what I want and need. Up until now I just didn’t know it was possible. To experience the ecstasy felt when the chemicals in the brain are released from sex are a natural way to heal the mind. I desperately need that stress relief that can only come from orgasms.  Not the ones I’m barely capable of giving myself. I struggle with interacting with men on an intimate level. I need someone with a take charge attitude, a certain confidence, and a nurturing persona. I think I’ve found it. If I have the courage to go after what I want.

This is my introduction to to CB, his moniker for this blog. I’m going to try and be honest and real until whatever this is going forth comes to fruition or doesn’t.

To all the boys I’ve “loved” before…

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I’ve only ever truly loved one boy/man up till now. I’ve only said “I love you” to one boy/man in my life. Before I met my ex-husband, I had naively thought I had been “in Love” with 2 other boys. I was so crushed by their rejection. I felt that my heart had been broken when things ended. Truthfully, I never knew either of them well enough to be “in love”. It was just lust, youth and hormones I felt. My feelings were bruised and battered in the end. Not my heart.

I pined and mooned over my very last boyfriend for years after we broke up. His time was the summer before I met my now “ex-husband”. His name was Joe. He had the most beautiful hazel eyes and dark hair. I was 100% in lust with that boy. So consumed by his sultry, cocky smile that I stayed starry-eyed for the entire 6 weeks we dated. I couldn’t see anything but him. It was summer and it was crazy. I fell fast, I fell hard, and I splattered hard on the ground at the end. It took us almost 20 years to apologize to each other, to finally get the answers for all the misunderstandings that occurred to break us apart. He was overseas and I think feeling particularly homesick. We spoke about reconnecting in person when he came home.
Somewhere in the periphery of mind during those online conversations we had, I contemplated an unspoken question of “what if”. Would it be possible to wipe the slate clean of the past and start over as if new acquaintances? I’ll never know. He never tried to contact me once stateside. I tried once to get his attention but he never replied. I’m fairly sure that once he got home, reality set in. If he told anyone that we had talked, I’m pretty sure that someone convinced him it would be a mistake.
He’s since gotten married and that put an end to my illusions or should I say delusions.
I’ve chalked it up to an unrequited chance at second “love”.

Thanks to Ann St. Vincent for inspiring this post. I look forward to hearing how the “18 years between kisses” experience has panned out. I have a feeling it’s a heck of a lot better than my story.

20 questions we wish we could ask on a first date (but never actually would)

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I found this little gem online and felt it needing further exploration.

This first 20 is obviously from the male perspective> I stole it from some guys dating profile. Not sure if he’s the original author but I decided to post it, it gave me a good laugh.

  1. What’s your policy regarding leaving people suddenly and without warning?
  2. I’m not saying right away, but eventually down the line, how open would you be to introducing a third party to our sex life?
  3. Do you floss?
  4. Are you obnoxiously dependent, or are we still going to be able to have our own lives?
  5. Are you going to make me wait like 6 dates before sleeping with me?
  6. Is it okay if we wait like 6 dates before sleeping together?
  7. Do you actually watch Rachel Maddow/read the New York Times/love this band/go to MoMA in your spare time, or are you just saying that?
  8. What were your SAT scores?
  9. If we were to date, how often would you expect oral sex? Like, is this a regular thing, or a once in awhile treat?
  10. How much money do you actually make?
  11. If we go home together tonight, I’m not really going to want to cuddle. That cool with you?
  12. Are you seeing other people? How many other people?
  13. You talk to your ex how often?
  14. What’s your number? (Not your phone number. The other one) Just give me a ballpark range.
  15. Will you be willing to take a backseat to my career? Will you want me to take a backseat to yours?
  16. Will you be just as apt to keep the bathroom door closed six months, six years into the relationship ,as you are right now?
  17. Do you have any plans to gain a ton of weight/lose a ton of weight/take up drugs/change your career/change your religion/change your country of residence, or in any other way drastically alter your life in the next two years?
  18. Will you expect me to pay? (Will you always pay?)
  19. Does any part of you right now think that I’m not someone you could be serious about? How attracted/interested in me are you really?
  20. Wait, is this a date?

This is my reply to those exact questions if they were lobbed at me, I’ve taken the liberty of not being completely serious. I’m just not wired that way most days.

  1. How soon can I comfortably leave without looking like I’m leaving too soon?
  2. My boyfriend is outside right now if you’re willing to do a threesome tonight. Do you want to be the caboose?
  3. Are those your real teeth?
  4. Do you think saying I love you on the first date is too soon?
  5. If I make you wait 6 dates to have sex, will you be ready to propose?
  6. If you make me wait 6 dates to have sex, can I propose to you?
  7. Do you really think I’m pretty/skinny/fat/ugly?
  8. What is your credit score?
  9. How would your last girlfriend rate your oral sex skills? Would you say you’re an expert?
  10. How much money do you really make?
  11. If we go home tonight, how soon are you gonna be leaving afterwards? Do you really have an early meeting?
  12. If we don’t go home together tonight, how soon before your making a booty call? 30 minutes? An hour? or Before you leave the parking lot?
  13. Was that your ex-wife/ex-girlfriend/wife/girlfriend who just called you?
  14. Was that your wingman giving you the “get outta jail free” call?
  15. How soon can I quit my job and start being a kept woman?
  16. Are you any good at cleaning toilets/windows? Can you cook?Can you properly sort the laundry/load the dishwasher/fold towels/socks?
  17. Are you willing to manscape those eyebrows/ear hair/nose hair/neck hair?
  18. What do you really mean when you say “I’ll call you”?
  19. Does any part of you believe I would be willing to go out with you again? Are you going to ask me out again?
  20. Can you excuse me? I need to go powder my nose