if you haven’t heard from me

it’s because I’ve been sexting. You read that right, sexting, not texting.

For the past week I have been exploring the idea of meeting someone I met quite by accident. I say by accident because I never leave the house except to go to work or walk into work then back to my car to come home. Of course the stops at the store or gas station get in there, but human interaction is severely limited and avoided. Yes, I’m antisocial. And when in public it’s never spent ogling, flirting, or slyly perusing the opposite sex.

I don’t catch on to most social cues unless you are direct with your intent. I’m simply not interested enough to ask what you want if you just give me a look. I’m sure I’ve missed out on countless meaningful interactions. I also daydream, constantly.  So for a man to enter my atmosphere and actually make his intentions known without so much as a glance from me is unheard of.

I was walking through the “in” door to  the supermarket last week when this stranger walking past me said “Smile sweetheart”. I stopped and smiled. Then proceeded to walk by without another thought. What I didn’t know was that he would turn around and follow me in and come stand next me while I was untangling a buggy. Scared the ever loving shit out of me, and made me jump. I made to move out of his way when he asked me if I was okay. “Of course” I said, “excuse me”. He said “I’m sorry, I scared you, but when you smiled for me you made my pulse race”.

I’m extremely sarcastic and cynical and thought “yeah, Right” and said as much. By now we are blocking the aisle, so I took off to clear the jam and get to my shopping. As I maneuvered my way around the displays a hand touched my arm. I will tell you now that I never allow anyone to touch me unsolicited. I wear the face of keep your distance well and can’t even count on a single hand when someone has done so without serious backlash from me. For this man to feel compelled to approach me, in such a way to me is overwhelming.

Fight or flight didn’t kick in. It was more deer in the headlights. I stood there literally stunned by his boldness. No crazy face or dangerous threatening vibe coming from him , just genuine interest looking back at me.

Let me backtrack a moment. This is a man who would never garner a second look from me. He’s a solid 6 feet tall, 250 lbs easily, late 30’s. Not pretty or attractive, just average. I’m 5’4, over 200 lbs, not pretty or attractive, just your frumpy average 43 year old woman with a perpetual unsmiling face. Just how I’m made. I don’t sugarcoat anything.

Back to the story… so after my initial shock wore off , I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted to see me smile again and often. Insert cartoon reaction here. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been on this planet for 40 + years now and have NEVER been randomly approached by a man, in public, during the daylight, much less in an environment that wasn’t smoked filled and full of drunk people. I’ve been divorced going on 14 years. Dateless and celibate for 5 years. I simply do not have a clue what the hell he saw in that smile.

He asked my name and told me his. Then he point blank asked me out on a date. My immediate response was “No”. My internal dialogue was “holy fuck, is this guy for real?”. He asked me why not. I told him I simply wasn’t interested in dating and don’t have the time but thanks. Bye Bye now. Nope, no bye bye. He said what if I call you and change your mind. Oh hell to the no, I don’t give out my phone number to strangers. How bout my email address? Still not happening dude. How bout a nice chat on messenger where I’ll convince you to give me a chance? No, no and no to anything and everything else you can come up with. He says “Come on, you’re curious now, gimme a chance”.  I said “Fine, it’s your time to waste. You can find me on Kik at ********. I really do not have anymore time to waste right now. Good bye”.

I walked away without a second thought. I totally forgot about the entire thing till I was driving home and decided to make a post about it. Cuz, damn, Damn and triple Damn, I was stumped.  Which brings me back to the beginning. If you haven’t heard from me it’s because I’ve been sexting Mr. Supermarket and I am seriously contemplating meeting this man to end my five year dry spell of celibacy. Once he reached out to me and I willingly yet hesitantly replied, we struck up a rather mutually satisfying conversation. He’s well written, very sweet, funny, dirty minded(oh yeah), open-minded and completely bewitching. I’ll admit to being seduced by his words. He’s exactly the kind of man I would have looked for but never found on my own. He seems genuinely interested in me and my pleasure. I’ve never been with a man who ever gave more than he took.  The idea that I could be on the receiving end of such unselfishness, sign me up.

I’m not a good girl or even all that sweet, but I am a generally an all around nice person. I’m not selfish, heartless or uncaring. That said, I don’t suffer fools lightly, can’t stand macho posturing, stupid people and hate boring conversations. I have an innate ability to suss out liars and fakes so for my bullshit meter to register at zero with him is very intriguing. I pride myself in being hypervigilant when around someone new.  Boundaries and walls are up till I know for sure what I’m getting into. I know what I want and need. Up until now I just didn’t know it was possible. To experience the ecstasy felt when the chemicals in the brain are released from sex are a natural way to heal the mind. I desperately need that stress relief that can only come from orgasms.  Not the ones I’m barely capable of giving myself. I struggle with interacting with men on an intimate level. I need someone with a take charge attitude, a certain confidence, and a nurturing persona. I think I’ve found it. If I have the courage to go after what I want.

This is my introduction to to CB, his moniker for this blog. I’m going to try and be honest and real until whatever this is going forth comes to fruition or doesn’t.


Birthday present – NSFW

20140926_133957_resizedI had mentioned in a previous post about shopping for sexual toys. I probably didn’t make the best decision and so know that’s it’s arrived a bit of buyer’s remorse has set in. I’m not sure if I’ll be sending it back or not.

It’s always been somewhat of a fantasy to have a big cock to fuck. I’ve had the privilege to get more than just my hands on 2 such phallic wonders. I was not pleased the first time due to the fact he couldn’t keep me wet enough and no lube in the house. His dick had the girth of a coke can.  Length was about 4.5 to 5 inches. It’s wasn’t gonna do the job unless he knew how to use it. Until you’ve fully appreciated how big that feels in your body it’s hard to describe that pelvic fullness. Sadly I’m a female that cannot orgasm easily from penetration. I faked my way through an orgasm just to be done. It was a one time deal.

The second big dick was definitely a “wow” experience. A sexy, bald ,tattooed Airman with a big, fat,long cock that could fuck like the energizer bunny. Not only did I cum multiple times, but I initiated him into anal as well. It was like Christmas & the 4th of July celebrations in that bed. If only he wasn’t married and going back to California the next week I would have kept him for a long time in the sex stable.

So….big cocks. It’s my kink. I ordered Adam’s cock from Adam and Eve website. When I took the box out and held the weight in my hands it was a bit overwhelming. It’s been 5 years since anything resembling a dick has been near my person. I took a photo & sent it to my LDL. He was worried I’d wreck my vagina with it, or ruin me for him.

The first thing I did was clean it and see if I could even try the head in my mouth. No go, my TMJ is so bad that I’d need physical therapy to get my jaw to open enough for even the most average of phallus between my teeth.

I digress. My new dildo is BIG. I managed to give it a small workout. Unfortunately I was in the middle of sexting, looking at a little visual stimulation and trying to keep my mind engaged and not lose sight of the end result. I failed miserably at multitasking that day.

I will try again but I’m not sure if it isn’t too big. It came with some interesting little goodies I’m looking forward to trying. I need to expand my horizons, stay positive and get thoroughly fucked, even if it’s only by myself.

sexual frustration

I recently decided to expand my collection of sexual aids seeing as there are none in my house currently, WTF?
But that’s another story for another time.
So now I am beholden to surfing the internets for dildos, again. The only places available to shop in person around where I live cater to truckers. And while I nothing against them personally, I once made the mistake of going into one of these Video/Sex shops. To say blech would be an understatement. It was so totally skeevy that I couldn’t even fathom touching anything for fear of what might be on the product packages. It was not a very nice place to shop.
Since it’s been years that I’ve made the foray into online sex toy shopping, I was a little frightened by all the robotic hardware readily available to make a man obsolete in my world.
I decided to sign up for the sites email list to get my $10 off coupon with first purchase and now my inbox has awarded me with the opportunity to get a starter kit. For sex. I couldn’t wait to see what was in store for me.
How did I make it 43 years without knowing “deep throat gel” existed?
Do I need to desensitize my throat enough to gag on your cock? I hope I never find that particular need.
Some random thoughts entered my mind after reading the comments section about the product.

1. Are the cocks getting bigger and harder to swallow? Are the girls throats shrinking?
2. Is there any real reason why making a woman choke on your dick during oral sex really necessary?
3. Is this just flavored anal numbing lube? How does it affect the man’s penis? Does it make it go numb as well?
4. What kind of manufacturers guarantee do I have that it’s not the gel’s smell that is really making me gag?
5. Do they make this stuff up for shits and giggles in the R and D department? I would SO want to be in the marketing room when the ideas start flying. Is it all men in they’re behaving like 12 yr old boys and making crude jokes?

I’ve had to use viscous lidocaine which is much like benzocaine (the active numbing agent) before when I had a particularly bad case of tonsillitis once, not only did my throat and tongue go numb, but I’m pretty sure I talked wif a wifsp afterwards.

I hope this isn’t the case with the deep throat gel cause nothing screams sexy like Daffy Duck impersonations in the bedroom.

I want you to want me

The following has become crystal clear to me.

I obsessively obsess when one of the human male species that I find attractive shows me even the slightest bit of affection. It quickly becomes me trying to make forever out of nothing. Regardless if I know what the outcome will be or not.

There were so many boys that I had crushes on in my youth. I actively pursued them, forcing my like on them. Going as far to make them kiss me, I was such a precocious child. It rarely worked. I am and always have been a wee bit overly aggressive. I intimidate and repel the opposite sex with my personality. Occasionally, a man has been attracted to my sassy attitude. But only one man ever managed to tough it out. My ex-husband. I was 18 and he was 23 when we met. It was a monogamous relationship for 11 years on my part. It was not a healthy relationship, especially at the end. I’ll write about the demise some other time.

It didn’t matter how attracted to my ex I was when we met, I could not for the entire 11 years we were together ever let down my walls and be completely open about showing my body to him or what I wanted sexually from him. When I would get up the courage there was always a complaint. I eventually let him have control over every aspect our sex life. I’ve never admitted that to myself until today while I typed this. Wow…

It was a very immature relationship on my part because I’d never had another lover before him. Now, I wasn’t a virgin by any stretch of the imagination but I’d never had sex more than once with any guy in my few short years of experience. There was never anything particularly good about the boys I attempted to have sex with. Mostly just fumbling around and premature ejaculation. Typical teenage experiences for the time.

The first time I had sex with my now ex, I was hooked. I had finally had a “real man” throw down the good stuff. We spent the first 6 months together going at it like rabbits. We had tried many things I considered kinky, and some were, but I’ve learned it was pretty vanilla since then. I naively thought of myself as mature and open-minded about sex. It was probably always in the back of my mind that I should be aware there were problems with how I dealt with sex, in being a sexual being, and displaying my sexuality. I don’t think at any time I believed I had “intimacy” issues. I don’t think I understood the definition properly to label it as such.

It took me roughly 18 months after my divorce to venture into the realm of actually having sex again. It wasn’t about the fact that it wouldn’t be my ex that I would be having sex with, but more that I didn’t know how I would respond. So I went out on a real date that included dinner & a movie and what would turn out to be the most amazing, eye-opening sexual experience of my life up to that point. It also turned out that I couldn’t handle anything other than the sex. I couldn’t cope with someone wanting to be more than a sex partner. I walked away or I should say faded away, which is another topic sometime to address. I decided then and there that dating was out. I learned quickly what fuck buddies were for and where to find them.

Little did I know how entangled my mind could confuse lust and chemistry. I fucked around with just about any man who gave me an opening. No matter their situations, it didn’t matter to me. I wanted sex without the strings or consequences. Whatever they did outside of our time together was their business. At least this is what I tried telling myself. But, I’d get hung up on them and would start trying to sabotage our time together so I could leave them. I can’t do meaningless sex. I was being reckless and damaging my own soul.

The decision to give up sex started. This moratorium lasted for about 2 years. I had finally lost some weight and was feeling good about myself as a woman and wanted to feel desired again. I didn’t consider that I might be making a giant mistake again. The thing I regret the most about the man I got involved with is that I knew I should have walked away after the first time we got together. I didn’t and I got in way over my head. I abandoned everyone around me, missed work and basically made myself available to his beck and call. And for what? To be sexually dominated and used by someone who didn’t deserve to have that control over me. I never felt threatened by him in that he would physically hurt me. Instead, I felt threatened by my feelings. I made drama where there wasn’t any call for it to hide my real emotions. It wasn’t right or fair to him. I wasn’t about to back down or admit my mistakes. I made up some bullshit excuse to end things and got the hell away.

This was about 5 years ago. After I got over the hurt feelings and despondency I felt, I made the decision to stop involving myself with men for any reason for at least a year. Another round of forced abstinence. Now it has gone on much longer than I ever imagined. Due in large part to an injury (umbilical hernia) I’ve had for the past 3 plus years. It’s certainly given me the time to figure out my problems. Until I can get my health back on track and see my flaws without the rose-colored glasses I won’t allow myself the satisfaction I crave.