I didn’t do it

I couldn’t go through with my date. It was rescheduled from Wednesday to tonight but just I couldn’t go through with it. I can’t bring myself to be real and open to anyone right now. I’m a chicken shit when push comes to shove apparently. As I told a friend earlier, I can talk the talk but can’t walk the walk.

I’ve gone this path in the past since my divorce. I never seemed to look for someone to be with for the right reasons. Being lonely is so different than being alone. If that’s the only reason I want to be with someone is to avoid loneliness then I’m avoiding the reason I’m unhappy and lonely. The other big issue is that I really don’t have the confidence to be attractive to someone else. Regardless of what CB assured me, my looks were inconsequential to the personality he had become attracted to. The problem is that the person behind the written word is so not the woman who would show up. I let my head get so far into setting me up for failure that I panicked. A full out anxiety attack that forced me to stick my head back in the sand. I’m not going to change my mind.

I will continue my self imposed social blackout. It just doesn’t make sense to me right now to attempt to bring someone into my life that might lead to intimacy. I’ve second guessed myself for the last 24 hours and I’m exhausted from it.

Back to the drawing board of life. I’ll keep working on the inner me and maybe someday the desire to not be alone will pass. Until then…tomorrow’s another day to work on it.

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20 questions we wish we could ask on a first date (but never actually would)

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I found this little gem online and felt it needing further exploration.

This first 20 is obviously from the male perspective> I stole it from some guys dating profile. Not sure if he’s the original author but I decided to post it, it gave me a good laugh.

  1. What’s your policy regarding leaving people suddenly and without warning?
  2. I’m not saying right away, but eventually down the line, how open would you be to introducing a third party to our sex life?
  3. Do you floss?
  4. Are you obnoxiously dependent, or are we still going to be able to have our own lives?
  5. Are you going to make me wait like 6 dates before sleeping with me?
  6. Is it okay if we wait like 6 dates before sleeping together?
  7. Do you actually watch Rachel Maddow/read the New York Times/love this band/go to MoMA in your spare time, or are you just saying that?
  8. What were your SAT scores?
  9. If we were to date, how often would you expect oral sex? Like, is this a regular thing, or a once in awhile treat?
  10. How much money do you actually make?
  11. If we go home together tonight, I’m not really going to want to cuddle. That cool with you?
  12. Are you seeing other people? How many other people?
  13. You talk to your ex how often?
  14. What’s your number? (Not your phone number. The other one) Just give me a ballpark range.
  15. Will you be willing to take a backseat to my career? Will you want me to take a backseat to yours?
  16. Will you be just as apt to keep the bathroom door closed six months, six years into the relationship ,as you are right now?
  17. Do you have any plans to gain a ton of weight/lose a ton of weight/take up drugs/change your career/change your religion/change your country of residence, or in any other way drastically alter your life in the next two years?
  18. Will you expect me to pay? (Will you always pay?)
  19. Does any part of you right now think that I’m not someone you could be serious about? How attracted/interested in me are you really?
  20. Wait, is this a date?

This is my reply to those exact questions if they were lobbed at me, I’ve taken the liberty of not being completely serious. I’m just not wired that way most days.

  1. How soon can I comfortably leave without looking like I’m leaving too soon?
  2. My boyfriend is outside right now if you’re willing to do a threesome tonight. Do you want to be the caboose?
  3. Are those your real teeth?
  4. Do you think saying I love you on the first date is too soon?
  5. If I make you wait 6 dates to have sex, will you be ready to propose?
  6. If you make me wait 6 dates to have sex, can I propose to you?
  7. Do you really think I’m pretty/skinny/fat/ugly?
  8. What is your credit score?
  9. How would your last girlfriend rate your oral sex skills? Would you say you’re an expert?
  10. How much money do you really make?
  11. If we go home tonight, how soon are you gonna be leaving afterwards? Do you really have an early meeting?
  12. If we don’t go home together tonight, how soon before your making a booty call? 30 minutes? An hour? or Before you leave the parking lot?
  13. Was that your ex-wife/ex-girlfriend/wife/girlfriend who just called you?
  14. Was that your wingman giving you the “get outta jail free” call?
  15. How soon can I quit my job and start being a kept woman?
  16. Are you any good at cleaning toilets/windows? Can you cook?Can you properly sort the laundry/load the dishwasher/fold towels/socks?
  17. Are you willing to manscape those eyebrows/ear hair/nose hair/neck hair?
  18. What do you really mean when you say “I’ll call you”?
  19. Does any part of you believe I would be willing to go out with you again? Are you going to ask me out again?
  20. Can you excuse me? I need to go powder my nose