if you haven’t heard from me

it’s because I’ve been sexting. You read that right, sexting, not texting.

For the past week I have been exploring the idea of meeting someone I met quite by accident. I say by accident because I never leave the house except to go to work or walk into work then back to my car to come home. Of course the stops at the store or gas station get in there, but human interaction is severely limited and avoided. Yes, I’m antisocial. And when in public it’s never spent ogling, flirting, or slyly perusing the opposite sex.

I don’t catch on to most social cues unless you are direct with your intent. I’m simply not interested enough to ask what you want if you just give me a look. I’m sure I’ve missed out on countless meaningful interactions. I also daydream, constantly.  So for a man to enter my atmosphere and actually make his intentions known without so much as a glance from me is unheard of.

I was walking through the “in” door to  the supermarket last week when this stranger walking past me said “Smile sweetheart”. I stopped and smiled. Then proceeded to walk by without another thought. What I didn’t know was that he would turn around and follow me in and come stand next me while I was untangling a buggy. Scared the ever loving shit out of me, and made me jump. I made to move out of his way when he asked me if I was okay. “Of course” I said, “excuse me”. He said “I’m sorry, I scared you, but when you smiled for me you made my pulse race”.

I’m extremely sarcastic and cynical and thought “yeah, Right” and said as much. By now we are blocking the aisle, so I took off to clear the jam and get to my shopping. As I maneuvered my way around the displays a hand touched my arm. I will tell you now that I never allow anyone to touch me unsolicited. I wear the face of keep your distance well and can’t even count on a single hand when someone has done so without serious backlash from me. For this man to feel compelled to approach me, in such a way to me is overwhelming.

Fight or flight didn’t kick in. It was more deer in the headlights. I stood there literally stunned by his boldness. No crazy face or dangerous threatening vibe coming from him , just genuine interest looking back at me.

Let me backtrack a moment. This is a man who would never garner a second look from me. He’s a solid 6 feet tall, 250 lbs easily, late 30’s. Not pretty or attractive, just average. I’m 5’4, over 200 lbs, not pretty or attractive, just your frumpy average 43 year old woman with a perpetual unsmiling face. Just how I’m made. I don’t sugarcoat anything.

Back to the story… so after my initial shock wore off , I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted to see me smile again and often. Insert cartoon reaction here. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been on this planet for 40 + years now and have NEVER been randomly approached by a man, in public, during the daylight, much less in an environment that wasn’t smoked filled and full of drunk people. I’ve been divorced going on 14 years. Dateless and celibate for 5 years. I simply do not have a clue what the hell he saw in that smile.

He asked my name and told me his. Then he point blank asked me out on a date. My immediate response was “No”. My internal dialogue was “holy fuck, is this guy for real?”. He asked me why not. I told him I simply wasn’t interested in dating and don’t have the time but thanks. Bye Bye now. Nope, no bye bye. He said what if I call you and change your mind. Oh hell to the no, I don’t give out my phone number to strangers. How bout my email address? Still not happening dude. How bout a nice chat on messenger where I’ll convince you to give me a chance? No, no and no to anything and everything else you can come up with. He says “Come on, you’re curious now, gimme a chance”.  I said “Fine, it’s your time to waste. You can find me on Kik at ********. I really do not have anymore time to waste right now. Good bye”.

I walked away without a second thought. I totally forgot about the entire thing till I was driving home and decided to make a post about it. Cuz, damn, Damn and triple Damn, I was stumped.  Which brings me back to the beginning. If you haven’t heard from me it’s because I’ve been sexting Mr. Supermarket and I am seriously contemplating meeting this man to end my five year dry spell of celibacy. Once he reached out to me and I willingly yet hesitantly replied, we struck up a rather mutually satisfying conversation. He’s well written, very sweet, funny, dirty minded(oh yeah), open-minded and completely bewitching. I’ll admit to being seduced by his words. He’s exactly the kind of man I would have looked for but never found on my own. He seems genuinely interested in me and my pleasure. I’ve never been with a man who ever gave more than he took.  The idea that I could be on the receiving end of such unselfishness, sign me up.

I’m not a good girl or even all that sweet, but I am a generally an all around nice person. I’m not selfish, heartless or uncaring. That said, I don’t suffer fools lightly, can’t stand macho posturing, stupid people and hate boring conversations. I have an innate ability to suss out liars and fakes so for my bullshit meter to register at zero with him is very intriguing. I pride myself in being hypervigilant when around someone new.  Boundaries and walls are up till I know for sure what I’m getting into. I know what I want and need. Up until now I just didn’t know it was possible. To experience the ecstasy felt when the chemicals in the brain are released from sex are a natural way to heal the mind. I desperately need that stress relief that can only come from orgasms.  Not the ones I’m barely capable of giving myself. I struggle with interacting with men on an intimate level. I need someone with a take charge attitude, a certain confidence, and a nurturing persona. I think I’ve found it. If I have the courage to go after what I want.

This is my introduction to to CB, his moniker for this blog. I’m going to try and be honest and real until whatever this is going forth comes to fruition or doesn’t.

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