I didn’t do it

I couldn’t go through with my date. It was rescheduled from Wednesday to tonight but just I couldn’t go through with it. I can’t bring myself to be real and open to anyone right now. I’m a chicken shit when push comes to shove apparently. As I told a friend earlier, I can talk the talk but can’t walk the walk.

I’ve gone this path in the past since my divorce. I never seemed to look for someone to be with for the right reasons. Being lonely is so different than being alone. If that’s the only reason I want to be with someone is to avoid loneliness then I’m avoiding the reason I’m unhappy and lonely. The other big issue is that I really don’t have the confidence to be attractive to someone else. Regardless of what CB assured me, my looks were inconsequential to the personality he had become attracted to. The problem is that the person behind the written word is so not the woman who would show up. I let my head get so far into setting me up for failure that I panicked. A full out anxiety attack that forced me to stick my head back in the sand. I’m not going to change my mind.

I will continue my self imposed social blackout. It just doesn’t make sense to me right now to attempt to bring someone into my life that might lead to intimacy. I’ve second guessed myself for the last 24 hours and I’m exhausted from it.

Back to the drawing board of life. I’ll keep working on the inner me and maybe someday the desire to not be alone will pass. Until then…tomorrow’s another day to work on it.