I didn’t do it

I couldn’t go through with my date. It was rescheduled from Wednesday to tonight but just I couldn’t go through with it. I can’t bring myself to be real and open to anyone right now. I’m a chicken shit when push comes to shove apparently. As I told a friend earlier, I can talk the talk but can’t walk the walk.

I’ve gone this path in the past since my divorce. I never seemed to look for someone to be with for the right reasons. Being lonely is so different than being alone. If that’s the only reason I want to be with someone is to avoid loneliness then I’m avoiding the reason I’m unhappy and lonely. The other big issue is that I really don’t have the confidence to be attractive to someone else. Regardless of what CB assured me, my looks were inconsequential to the personality he had become attracted to. The problem is that the person behind the written word is so not the woman who would show up. I let my head get so far into setting me up for failure that I panicked. A full out anxiety attack that forced me to stick my head back in the sand. I’m not going to change my mind.

I will continue my self imposed social blackout. It just doesn’t make sense to me right now to attempt to bring someone into my life that might lead to intimacy. I’ve second guessed myself for the last 24 hours and I’m exhausted from it.

Back to the drawing board of life. I’ll keep working on the inner me and maybe someday the desire to not be alone will pass. Until then…tomorrow’s another day to work on it.

Jumping in feet first

I’ve been trying to work up the courage to meet CB. Since we met at the store 2 weeks ago, there has been only texting. I’m still hesitant to give out my phone number and I’m not inviting into my home. I have agreed to see him tomorrow evening, my one night a week I’m childless. I’ve been able to verify he’s neither a serial killer, rapist or trying to be something he’s not. He’s a former Army Ranger. I have a thing for military men apparently when I look back at my dating history since my divorce. Not sure what will happen or if the chemistry between us from texting will translate better in person. Fingers crossed. I feel confident that it’s going to be a good experience. More to come later, too busy at work today for writing extensively.

When does it get easier?

please everyone take the time to reach out to this man and help give him some words of encouragement. Depression lies and I’d hate to see a child lose a parent. Thanks blogosphere.

A Divorced Dad's Ramblings

I hate my ex……I hate the courts…..I hate the attorneys……I hate the counselors……I hate this time of year anymore it used to be a time of joy, now it’s just pain, never ending pain. Much to the thanks of my divorce. God you can suck it!!!!! Why is the whole system out against fathers? Why? Why? I don’t understand, I am a good father or at least that is what I am told. I feel like a horrible failure. I keep trying to find new reasons not just say “I’m done”. The list is becoming extremely short. This fight has started its third year, I am amazed as I look at photos of my son, I completely break down and cry. I am so tired of this fight. I was told the other day that they thought I had a warriors heart, I’m not sure. I’m not sure I have…

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if you haven’t heard from me

it’s because I’ve been sexting. You read that right, sexting, not texting.

For the past week I have been exploring the idea of meeting someone I met quite by accident. I say by accident because I never leave the house except to go to work or walk into work then back to my car to come home. Of course the stops at the store or gas station get in there, but human interaction is severely limited and avoided. Yes, I’m antisocial. And when in public it’s never spent ogling, flirting, or slyly perusing the opposite sex.

I don’t catch on to most social cues unless you are direct with your intent. I’m simply not interested enough to ask what you want if you just give me a look. I’m sure I’ve missed out on countless meaningful interactions. I also daydream, constantly.  So for a man to enter my atmosphere and actually make his intentions known without so much as a glance from me is unheard of.

I was walking through the “in” door to  the supermarket last week when this stranger walking past me said “Smile sweetheart”. I stopped and smiled. Then proceeded to walk by without another thought. What I didn’t know was that he would turn around and follow me in and come stand next me while I was untangling a buggy. Scared the ever loving shit out of me, and made me jump. I made to move out of his way when he asked me if I was okay. “Of course” I said, “excuse me”. He said “I’m sorry, I scared you, but when you smiled for me you made my pulse race”.

I’m extremely sarcastic and cynical and thought “yeah, Right” and said as much. By now we are blocking the aisle, so I took off to clear the jam and get to my shopping. As I maneuvered my way around the displays a hand touched my arm. I will tell you now that I never allow anyone to touch me unsolicited. I wear the face of keep your distance well and can’t even count on a single hand when someone has done so without serious backlash from me. For this man to feel compelled to approach me, in such a way to me is overwhelming.

Fight or flight didn’t kick in. It was more deer in the headlights. I stood there literally stunned by his boldness. No crazy face or dangerous threatening vibe coming from him , just genuine interest looking back at me.

Let me backtrack a moment. This is a man who would never garner a second look from me. He’s a solid 6 feet tall, 250 lbs easily, late 30’s. Not pretty or attractive, just average. I’m 5’4, over 200 lbs, not pretty or attractive, just your frumpy average 43 year old woman with a perpetual unsmiling face. Just how I’m made. I don’t sugarcoat anything.

Back to the story… so after my initial shock wore off , I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted to see me smile again and often. Insert cartoon reaction here. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been on this planet for 40 + years now and have NEVER been randomly approached by a man, in public, during the daylight, much less in an environment that wasn’t smoked filled and full of drunk people. I’ve been divorced going on 14 years. Dateless and celibate for 5 years. I simply do not have a clue what the hell he saw in that smile.

He asked my name and told me his. Then he point blank asked me out on a date. My immediate response was “No”. My internal dialogue was “holy fuck, is this guy for real?”. He asked me why not. I told him I simply wasn’t interested in dating and don’t have the time but thanks. Bye Bye now. Nope, no bye bye. He said what if I call you and change your mind. Oh hell to the no, I don’t give out my phone number to strangers. How bout my email address? Still not happening dude. How bout a nice chat on messenger where I’ll convince you to give me a chance? No, no and no to anything and everything else you can come up with. He says “Come on, you’re curious now, gimme a chance”.  I said “Fine, it’s your time to waste. You can find me on Kik at ********. I really do not have anymore time to waste right now. Good bye”.

I walked away without a second thought. I totally forgot about the entire thing till I was driving home and decided to make a post about it. Cuz, damn, Damn and triple Damn, I was stumped.  Which brings me back to the beginning. If you haven’t heard from me it’s because I’ve been sexting Mr. Supermarket and I am seriously contemplating meeting this man to end my five year dry spell of celibacy. Once he reached out to me and I willingly yet hesitantly replied, we struck up a rather mutually satisfying conversation. He’s well written, very sweet, funny, dirty minded(oh yeah), open-minded and completely bewitching. I’ll admit to being seduced by his words. He’s exactly the kind of man I would have looked for but never found on my own. He seems genuinely interested in me and my pleasure. I’ve never been with a man who ever gave more than he took.  The idea that I could be on the receiving end of such unselfishness, sign me up.

I’m not a good girl or even all that sweet, but I am a generally an all around nice person. I’m not selfish, heartless or uncaring. That said, I don’t suffer fools lightly, can’t stand macho posturing, stupid people and hate boring conversations. I have an innate ability to suss out liars and fakes so for my bullshit meter to register at zero with him is very intriguing. I pride myself in being hypervigilant when around someone new.  Boundaries and walls are up till I know for sure what I’m getting into. I know what I want and need. Up until now I just didn’t know it was possible. To experience the ecstasy felt when the chemicals in the brain are released from sex are a natural way to heal the mind. I desperately need that stress relief that can only come from orgasms.  Not the ones I’m barely capable of giving myself. I struggle with interacting with men on an intimate level. I need someone with a take charge attitude, a certain confidence, and a nurturing persona. I think I’ve found it. If I have the courage to go after what I want.

This is my introduction to to CB, his moniker for this blog. I’m going to try and be honest and real until whatever this is going forth comes to fruition or doesn’t.

and I’m back

well sort of, but not really back back.  Still trying to sort my shit out and deal with everyday life. I have truly been uninspired to write, putting down all my whiny complaints daily in words is unfair to any who read this blog. I think my brain has gone into holiday mode and I’m looking forward to Christmas being over and done with soon. I am already so sick and freaking tired of the Target jingles and the other repetitive holiday commercials and frivolity.
Yes, I am the Grinch. No surprise.

I have not enjoyed celebrating the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, EVER. All my memories growing up involved fighting between family members. Food being thrown. Dishes, doors, gifts being broken. Ah, dysfunctional childhood.
Anyhow, I’m just going to cruise thru December and hope I’ll feel better in the new year.
Maybe a little less grumpy, even a smidge would be better than the foul-mouthed bitch I have been lately.

I’m going to keep living vicariously through the rest of the lovely bloggers I read daily. It’s like a special little family I can connect to.

Out with the crud

Went to the doctor last Friday.  She assured me my crazy is under control. I always get manic this time of year and I need to find something to distract my mind. I did find out I have staph infection causing the cystic acne. Ewww!

Now I’m home for the last two days with the creepy crud and general eunni due to what forecasters are calling the “Bering Bomb”. Thanks Alaska, NOT! Keep your shitastic arctic weather to yourself.

I’m not feeling well today, so this is all I feel like writing. Back to bed and hibernating till morning.

I want a new drug

The rat bastards at Starbucks did NOT come through for yours truly the other day. It was such an absolutely shit day that it’s possible even an IV of espresso wouldn’t have been able to save the day. At least I survived. Onto the next rant.

I just loved Huey Lewis back in the day. That song (see post title)was so confusing to me when I first heard it. I understand better now what he was saying. I think I have the beginnings of the answers that will help me.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor to discuss new treatment options so I can get my shit together. I’m sick of being under the weather both emotionally and physically. I’ve had a serious sinus infection for 3 weeks and I think maybe it’s gotten bad enough that the bloodstream is involved. My hormones are so out of whack I look like a pimple faced teenager. It’s so freaking gross to have cystic acne at my age. Nothing short of Bond-o will cover it up either.

Steroids, anti-biotics, anxiety med, up the antidepressant , and hopefully some sexual healing as well (not from the doctor…ewww)

I have taken the steps into a new adventure this week, should it work out, it could make for some very interesting fodder for the blog. That is if, if I can work up the nerve to post about it.

Here’s to this week being almost over!

Exploring my sexuality

This will be an ongoing category on my blog. I’m not comfortable in any way writing this, but it needs to be done for my own mental health. I’m not doing this for pity or judgement. I just can’t keep having all the confusing thoughts and misconceptions running around in my mind. They need order. Admittedly I could do this in a journal and keep it private, but I’m finding that getting it out there publicly has been helping. Being honest on here keeps me honest with myself, something I’ve never been good at.

A little background before moving forward. Beginning at the age of 5 until I was 15 years old, I was forced by my stepfather to endure sexual abuse. It would forever sculpt the way I respond or not respond to men and myself in the quest for pleasure.

One of the hardest things for me to admit about myself is that I am uncomfortable with my own ability to find pleasure sexually. The brain controls everything. It triggers receptors, send more blood the bodies pleasures centers. It displays images in the mind so they we can be further stimulated. I’m constantly hijacked by my thoughts. I’m embarrassed when by myself by what turns me on and how I go about getting personal gratification. I fear discovery, in my own home, by myself, with the door locked, curtains drawn. I worry about not being able to get off. That the orgasm I’m hoping for won’t be gratifying. I give myself a timetable and then when the moment of pleasure comes, I close off my mind and fail miserably at real satisfaction. Why must my mind be my biggest enemy? If I can’t allow myself to get turned on when alone, how the hell can I ever allow a man to try in a one on one situation again?

I’ve been celibate for 5 years and counting. I’m trying to figure out how to go about allowing myself to get comfortable with being open minded during sex. How do I not sabotage my own pleasure?

Here is what leads me to understand why I behave the way I do.

  1. I was taught early on by my mother that being chaste was what a girl aspired to be. I didn’t understand what chaste ment as a little girl.
  2. Being fondled and coached sexually at such a young age confused me on understanding what about sex was right and what was wrong.
  3. I was sexually abused by my stepfather, stepbrother, and a male cousin.
  4. I was promiscuous at a very young age. I didn’t have boundaries.
  5. I don’t know if was ever penetrated by the men who abused me. I’ve never been able to unblock those memories. I don’t know who was my “first”.
  6. I was 16 and no longer living with my mother when the first boy that wanted to have sex with me actually raped me when I said “no”. He lasted about 15 seconds and managed to use a condom.
  7. I suffer from long-term PTSD due to the my childhood. Rather than react, I retreat inwardly and will compartmentalize the situation into separate boxes until I can deal and move on.
  8. I’m extremely submissive sexually. I have a negative view of my own body and my desires.
  9. I’ve never had a healthy, normal relationship with any man. I crave and fear intimacy.
  10. I’ve never been truly appreciated as a woman by a man. The first man I loved ruined my self esteem in ways I’ve yet to overcome. None since him have been given the opportunity to try. I can’t seem to find the key that will unlock the person I know I want to be.

My new adventure is to find the key that will unlock the answers and hopefully shed some light on my issues, and I’ll be going about it in my own unorthodox way. I will keep up the stories of my own past sexual experiences to help me work out my issues. I hope that in doing so I might heal the psychological scars.