Mental state

and I’m back

well sort of, but not really back back.  Still trying to sort my shit out and deal with everyday life. I have truly been uninspired to write, putting down all my whiny complaints daily in words is unfair to any who read this blog. I think my brain has gone into holiday mode and I’m looking forward to Christmas being over and done with soon. I am already so sick and freaking tired of the Target jingles and the other repetitive holiday commercials and frivolity.
Yes, I am the Grinch. No surprise.

I have not enjoyed celebrating the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, EVER. All my memories growing up involved fighting between family members. Food being thrown. Dishes, doors, gifts being broken. Ah, dysfunctional childhood.
Anyhow, I’m just going to cruise thru December and hope I’ll feel better in the new year.
Maybe a little less grumpy, even a smidge would be better than the foul-mouthed bitch I have been lately.

I’m going to keep living vicariously through the rest of the lovely bloggers I read daily. It’s like a special little family I can connect to.

I want a new drug

The rat bastards at Starbucks did NOT come through for yours truly the other day. It was such an absolutely shit day that it’s possible even an IV of espresso wouldn’t have been able to save the day. At least I survived. Onto the next rant.

I just loved Huey Lewis back in the day. That song (see post title)was so confusing to me when I first heard it. I understand better now what he was saying. I think I have the beginnings of the answers that will help me.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor to discuss new treatment options so I can get my shit together. I’m sick of being under the weather both emotionally and physically. I’ve had a serious sinus infection for 3 weeks and I think maybe it’s gotten bad enough that the bloodstream is involved. My hormones are so out of whack I look like a pimple faced teenager. It’s so freaking gross to have cystic acne at my age. Nothing short of Bond-o will cover it up either.

Steroids, anti-biotics, anxiety med, up the antidepressant , and hopefully some sexual healing as well (not from the doctor…ewww)

I have taken the steps into a new adventure this week, should it work out, it could make for some very interesting fodder for the blog. That is if, if I can work up the nerve to post about it.

Here’s to this week being almost over!

99 problems and unicorns ain’t one

Sorry to use that song as a tag line, but it’s apropos for today. I’m sitting at my desk enjoying a Whataburger breakfast taquito (yummmmmmmmmmy), reading blog posts and wondering how I’ll get through today.
This is not typical thinking for me.
I generally just slog through any given day and don’t have an actual deep thought as to how I’m feeling. I try to ignore my feelings as much as possible because they suck me into a deeper black hole than I’m already in. I don’t want to ponder my unhappiness. Instead I just focus on the issues that make me unhappy. I don’t know if that makes sense except in my own head.

Since I refuse to seek out psychiatric counseling any more due to the negative effects I’ve encountered in the past, writing is now my therapy. To put what I think into written words and then allowing others to read them, is a huge step for me. The other day I did a post on the A-Z of my feelings. It was a trigger of sorts that has been rather toxic for me since. I’ve never been comfortable exposing my inner turmoil. My ex-husband was the only person I have ever told my deepest, darkest secrets to. It turns out that in doing so only caused him to pity me and then he would use those issues against me in the worst possible ways.
I’m trying to work past being scared of allowing others to learn about my history for fear of recrimination, judgement, scorn, dislike, etc. You get the point. I want to not care what others may think about me. Impossible but still my goal.

I’ve been dealing with chronic manic depression for close to 20 years. I never knew I was most likely depressed my entire childhood, teenage years and well into adulthood until I started working in the medical field at age 23. I hadn’t realized I’d been suppressing all my issues with non-prescription drugs and alcohol. Once I stopped them, all the demons let loose like a pack of panicked wildebeests. Over the years I’ve had major crisis’ that brought me to my knees and I’ve managed to medicate myself back into mental stability. I hate being medicated. It saves me from myself so I do it without fail and won’t ever stop. I’m thinking about asking for a mood stabilizer in addition to my anti-depressant but fear the side effects. I don’t react well to most medications. This complicates my ability to ask for help. The fear of the unexpected. It’ll take me a few days longer to decide what to do until after I collect more intel via Google searches about the medications I want to present to my doctor as choices. That’s one thing I appreciate, is that she takes into account my suggestions. We’ve known each other a long time and have worked together professionally in the past. She and I have spent many hours discussing my ability to self diagnose my symptoms, what is possibly causing them, the inherent risks, and possible treatment options. Who should know me better than myself?

Bitchy, bitter, grumpy, annoyed, lonely, tired, sad, confused, bored, unhappy, broke, frazzled,and generally just blah. Maybe it’s the change in weather or the change in time. I don’t the answer yet. I have a million concerns that bother me regularly, just have to figure what to tackle first.
I’m bound to figure this out and I’ll stop all this nonsense. Until then, thanks for reading and commenting.

Perfect Saturday

For the last few weeks I’ve been manic. Unable to sleep properly. So keyed up I want to crawl out of my skin. My eating habits have been shittier than usual, which is saying something because they’re beyond shit most of the time as it is.

I can’t exercise because of health issues. I’m unhappy with work, money woes, living situation, and then the malaise. I live in a constant state of depression. Even with meds, it’s there. I know how to deal.

I was given a reprieve yesterday. I was able to leave work early, come home, relax and NAP! Recharge my battery. It was made all the better knowing I didn’t have to go in to work today for 2 boring hours. There was a cold front that came in overnight dropping the temperature by almost 30 degrees for the high today. I have been able to turn off all the fans and have blissful silence for the first time since early June. I went to bed at 9:30 last night and actually slept. Ah, sleeping, you are my favorite thing in the world at the moment.

I’ve taken 3 naps today. I don’t feel the least bit guilty. I need this. I can’t keep going the way I have without having a severe breakdown. I’ve done that before. It triggers so many destructive tendencies that I have, those demons want to to come out and play. I’ve got to wrestle those bad boys into submission. I’m trying to push them all back into their respective holes before I actually do something stupid.

I consider this a perfect Saturday. Rest, relaxation, cold temps, no worrying, just taking it easy and be… be peaceful.