Exploring my sexuality

This will be an ongoing category on my blog. I’m not comfortable in any way writing this, but it needs to be done for my own mental health. I’m not doing this for pity or judgement. I just can’t keep having all the confusing thoughts and misconceptions running around in my mind. They need order. Admittedly I could do this in a journal and keep it private, but I’m finding that getting it out there publicly has been helping. Being honest on here keeps me honest with myself, something I’ve never been good at.

A little background before moving forward. Beginning at the age of 5 until I was 15 years old, I was forced by my stepfather to endure sexual abuse. It would forever sculpt the way I respond or not respond to men and myself in the quest for pleasure.

One of the hardest things for me to admit about myself is that I am uncomfortable with my own ability to find pleasure sexually. The brain controls everything. It triggers receptors, send more blood the bodies pleasures centers. It displays images in the mind so they we can be further stimulated. I’m constantly hijacked by my thoughts. I’m embarrassed when by myself by what turns me on and how I go about getting personal gratification. I fear discovery, in my own home, by myself, with the door locked, curtains drawn. I worry about not being able to get off. That the orgasm I’m hoping for won’t be gratifying. I give myself a timetable and then when the moment of pleasure comes, I close off my mind and fail miserably at real satisfaction. Why must my mind be my biggest enemy? If I can’t allow myself to get turned on when alone, how the hell can I ever allow a man to try in a one on one situation again?

I’ve been celibate for 5 years and counting. I’m trying to figure out how to go about allowing myself to get comfortable with being open minded during sex. How do I not sabotage my own pleasure?

Here is what leads me to understand why I behave the way I do.

  1. I was taught early on by my mother that being chaste was what a girl aspired to be. I didn’t understand what chaste ment as a little girl.
  2. Being fondled and coached sexually at such a young age confused me on understanding what about sex was right and what was wrong.
  3. I was sexually abused by my stepfather, stepbrother, and a male cousin.
  4. I was promiscuous at a very young age. I didn’t have boundaries.
  5. I don’t know if was ever penetrated by the men who abused me. I’ve never been able to unblock those memories. I don’t know who was my “first”.
  6. I was 16 and no longer living with my mother when the first boy that wanted to have sex with me actually raped me when I said “no”. He lasted about 15 seconds and managed to use a condom.
  7. I suffer from long-term PTSD due to the my childhood. Rather than react, I retreat inwardly and will compartmentalize the situation into separate boxes until I can deal and move on.
  8. I’m extremely submissive sexually. I have a negative view of my own body and my desires.
  9. I’ve never had a healthy, normal relationship with any man. I crave and fear intimacy.
  10. I’ve never been truly appreciated as a woman by a man. The first man I loved ruined my self esteem in ways I’ve yet to overcome. None since him have been given the opportunity to try. I can’t seem to find the key that will unlock the person I know I want to be.

My new adventure is to find the key that will unlock the answers and hopefully shed some light on my issues, and I’ll be going about it in my own unorthodox way. I will keep up the stories of my own past sexual experiences to help me work out my issues. I hope that in doing so I might heal the psychological scars.

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opening a can of worms

Isn’t life supposed to be about lessons learned? It was Albert Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? When do you have the light bulb moment that clues you in to the insanity?
For me, I tend to make huge life decisions rashly. Like a runaway freight train straight into a 100 ft ravine. No thinking required. I have laundry lists of regrets from reacting rather than hesitating. This is probably my worst fault.
There have been two bloggers I’ve been following these last couple months. They’ve been writing about their long distance relationship that started after connecting via feedback on their blogs. It’s been emotionally charged reading about their experiences with each other. It’s been easy to get caught up in the drama. I’ve felt as if I were personally vested in how they got along.
Unfortunately, everything imploded between them in a rather bewildering way this week. It was particularly disheartening and difficult to watch unfold because it was on such a public forum. I reached out to one of them and offered some advice that I hope helped.
It’s hard to say how things will turn out.
Which leads me to back to my original topic about lessons learned.
For anyone who’s ever dealt with their personal internal struggles they understand what triggers are. There are times when I’m undergoing great stress or dealing with emotional turmoil that something will trigger within me some very bad personal behavior. I struggle with my personality disorders, such as they are. If only I could see them before hand and just take a step back and look at how I’m behaving.
I gave up the fight and got back in touch my former FWB “Peter” that I wrote about not too long ago on this blog.
I’m so very, very weak when it comes to him. He’s not a bad person. He’s only ever wanted what is best for me. All I have ever done is push him away. And the dance continues.
The same result every time we reconnect. Are we both insane? Is he hoping I’ll change my mind about him. Do I wish he’ll finally give up and move on? It’s so strange how much we’ve both changed over the years. We’re now two totally different people than when we met. It’s fascinating to see how we’ve settled into our lives now that we’re in our 40’s.
The other day I felt the need to start writing a letter as if I was writing to him. Not sure if I’ll have the guts to publish it here or not. It’s something that has been very cathartic. Being able to openly express everything I’ve felt over the last 12 years but would never in a million years actually express out loud. I can almost feel the burden of those feelings lifting off of me. It’s important to try to be objective and not allow my behavior from my past color my behavior now.
Time will tell whether or not we will cross paths in real life again rather than cyberspace. As it right now, the goal is to focus on not being so irrational with my thoughts.

I want you to want me

The following has become crystal clear to me.

I obsessively obsess when one of the human male species that I find attractive shows me even the slightest bit of affection. It quickly becomes me trying to make forever out of nothing. Regardless if I know what the outcome will be or not.

There were so many boys that I had crushes on in my youth. I actively pursued them, forcing my like on them. Going as far to make them kiss me, I was such a precocious child. It rarely worked. I am and always have been a wee bit overly aggressive. I intimidate and repel the opposite sex with my personality. Occasionally, a man has been attracted to my sassy attitude. But only one man ever managed to tough it out. My ex-husband. I was 18 and he was 23 when we met. It was a monogamous relationship for 11 years on my part. It was not a healthy relationship, especially at the end. I’ll write about the demise some other time.

It didn’t matter how attracted to my ex I was when we met, I could not for the entire 11 years we were together ever let down my walls and be completely open about showing my body to him or what I wanted sexually from him. When I would get up the courage there was always a complaint. I eventually let him have control over every aspect our sex life. I’ve never admitted that to myself until today while I typed this. Wow…

It was a very immature relationship on my part because I’d never had another lover before him. Now, I wasn’t a virgin by any stretch of the imagination but I’d never had sex more than once with any guy in my few short years of experience. There was never anything particularly good about the boys I attempted to have sex with. Mostly just fumbling around and premature ejaculation. Typical teenage experiences for the time.

The first time I had sex with my now ex, I was hooked. I had finally had a “real man” throw down the good stuff. We spent the first 6 months together going at it like rabbits. We had tried many things I considered kinky, and some were, but I’ve learned it was pretty vanilla since then. I naively thought of myself as mature and open-minded about sex. It was probably always in the back of my mind that I should be aware there were problems with how I dealt with sex, in being a sexual being, and displaying my sexuality. I don’t think at any time I believed I had “intimacy” issues. I don’t think I understood the definition properly to label it as such.

It took me roughly 18 months after my divorce to venture into the realm of actually having sex again. It wasn’t about the fact that it wouldn’t be my ex that I would be having sex with, but more that I didn’t know how I would respond. So I went out on a real date that included dinner & a movie and what would turn out to be the most amazing, eye-opening sexual experience of my life up to that point. It also turned out that I couldn’t handle anything other than the sex. I couldn’t cope with someone wanting to be more than a sex partner. I walked away or I should say faded away, which is another topic sometime to address. I decided then and there that dating was out. I learned quickly what fuck buddies were for and where to find them.

Little did I know how entangled my mind could confuse lust and chemistry. I fucked around with just about any man who gave me an opening. No matter their situations, it didn’t matter to me. I wanted sex without the strings or consequences. Whatever they did outside of our time together was their business. At least this is what I tried telling myself. But, I’d get hung up on them and would start trying to sabotage our time together so I could leave them. I can’t do meaningless sex. I was being reckless and damaging my own soul.

The decision to give up sex started. This moratorium lasted for about 2 years. I had finally lost some weight and was feeling good about myself as a woman and wanted to feel desired again. I didn’t consider that I might be making a giant mistake again. The thing I regret the most about the man I got involved with is that I knew I should have walked away after the first time we got together. I didn’t and I got in way over my head. I abandoned everyone around me, missed work and basically made myself available to his beck and call. And for what? To be sexually dominated and used by someone who didn’t deserve to have that control over me. I never felt threatened by him in that he would physically hurt me. Instead, I felt threatened by my feelings. I made drama where there wasn’t any call for it to hide my real emotions. It wasn’t right or fair to him. I wasn’t about to back down or admit my mistakes. I made up some bullshit excuse to end things and got the hell away.

This was about 5 years ago. After I got over the hurt feelings and despondency I felt, I made the decision to stop involving myself with men for any reason for at least a year. Another round of forced abstinence. Now it has gone on much longer than I ever imagined. Due in large part to an injury (umbilical hernia) I’ve had for the past 3 plus years. It’s certainly given me the time to figure out my problems. Until I can get my health back on track and see my flaws without the rose-colored glasses I won’t allow myself the satisfaction I crave.