20 questions we wish we could ask on a first date (but never actually would)

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I found this little gem online and felt it needing further exploration.

This first 20 is obviously from the male perspective> I stole it from some guys dating profile. Not sure if he’s the original author but I decided to post it, it gave me a good laugh.

  1. What’s your policy regarding leaving people suddenly and without warning?
  2. I’m not saying right away, but eventually down the line, how open would you be to introducing a third party to our sex life?
  3. Do you floss?
  4. Are you obnoxiously dependent, or are we still going to be able to have our own lives?
  5. Are you going to make me wait like 6 dates before sleeping with me?
  6. Is it okay if we wait like 6 dates before sleeping together?
  7. Do you actually watch Rachel Maddow/read the New York Times/love this band/go to MoMA in your spare time, or are you just saying that?
  8. What were your SAT scores?
  9. If we were to date, how often would you expect oral sex? Like, is this a regular thing, or a once in awhile treat?
  10. How much money do you actually make?
  11. If we go home together tonight, I’m not really going to want to cuddle. That cool with you?
  12. Are you seeing other people? How many other people?
  13. You talk to your ex how often?
  14. What’s your number? (Not your phone number. The other one) Just give me a ballpark range.
  15. Will you be willing to take a backseat to my career? Will you want me to take a backseat to yours?
  16. Will you be just as apt to keep the bathroom door closed six months, six years into the relationship ,as you are right now?
  17. Do you have any plans to gain a ton of weight/lose a ton of weight/take up drugs/change your career/change your religion/change your country of residence, or in any other way drastically alter your life in the next two years?
  18. Will you expect me to pay? (Will you always pay?)
  19. Does any part of you right now think that I’m not someone you could be serious about? How attracted/interested in me are you really?
  20. Wait, is this a date?

This is my reply to those exact questions if they were lobbed at me, I’ve taken the liberty of not being completely serious. I’m just not wired that way most days.

  1. How soon can I comfortably leave without looking like I’m leaving too soon?
  2. My boyfriend is outside right now if you’re willing to do a threesome tonight. Do you want to be the caboose?
  3. Are those your real teeth?
  4. Do you think saying I love you on the first date is too soon?
  5. If I make you wait 6 dates to have sex, will you be ready to propose?
  6. If you make me wait 6 dates to have sex, can I propose to you?
  7. Do you really think I’m pretty/skinny/fat/ugly?
  8. What is your credit score?
  9. How would your last girlfriend rate your oral sex skills? Would you say you’re an expert?
  10. How much money do you really make?
  11. If we go home tonight, how soon are you gonna be leaving afterwards? Do you really have an early meeting?
  12. If we don’t go home together tonight, how soon before your making a booty call? 30 minutes? An hour? or Before you leave the parking lot?
  13. Was that your ex-wife/ex-girlfriend/wife/girlfriend who just called you?
  14. Was that your wingman giving you the “get outta jail free” call?
  15. How soon can I quit my job and start being a kept woman?
  16. Are you any good at cleaning toilets/windows? Can you cook?Can you properly sort the laundry/load the dishwasher/fold towels/socks?
  17. Are you willing to manscape those eyebrows/ear hair/nose hair/neck hair?
  18. What do you really mean when you say “I’ll call you”?
  19. Does any part of you believe I would be willing to go out with you again? Are you going to ask me out again?
  20. Can you excuse me? I need to go powder my nose

sexual frustration

I recently decided to expand my collection of sexual aids seeing as there are none in my house currently, WTF?
But that’s another story for another time.
So now I am beholden to surfing the internets for dildos, again. The only places available to shop in person around where I live cater to truckers. And while I nothing against them personally, I once made the mistake of going into one of these Video/Sex shops. To say blech would be an understatement. It was so totally skeevy that I couldn’t even fathom touching anything for fear of what might be on the product packages. It was not a very nice place to shop.
Since it’s been years that I’ve made the foray into online sex toy shopping, I was a little frightened by all the robotic hardware readily available to make a man obsolete in my world.
I decided to sign up for the sites email list to get my $10 off coupon with first purchase and now my inbox has awarded me with the opportunity to get a starter kit. For sex. I couldn’t wait to see what was in store for me.
How did I make it 43 years without knowing “deep throat gel” existed?
Do I need to desensitize my throat enough to gag on your cock? I hope I never find that particular need.
Some random thoughts entered my mind after reading the comments section about the product.

1. Are the cocks getting bigger and harder to swallow? Are the girls throats shrinking?
2. Is there any real reason why making a woman choke on your dick during oral sex really necessary?
3. Is this just flavored anal numbing lube? How does it affect the man’s penis? Does it make it go numb as well?
4. What kind of manufacturers guarantee do I have that it’s not the gel’s smell that is really making me gag?
5. Do they make this stuff up for shits and giggles in the R and D department? I would SO want to be in the marketing room when the ideas start flying. Is it all men in they’re behaving like 12 yr old boys and making crude jokes?

I’ve had to use viscous lidocaine which is much like benzocaine (the active numbing agent) before when I had a particularly bad case of tonsillitis once, not only did my throat and tongue go numb, but I’m pretty sure I talked wif a wifsp afterwards.

I hope this isn’t the case with the deep throat gel cause nothing screams sexy like Daffy Duck impersonations in the bedroom.

Friends in low places

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So a male friend asked me today what I wanted for my birthday. Ooh, I thought to myself, good question. I told him I wanted sex for my birthday.

here’s how the conversation went after that:

Him: Well, that’s doable. Do you want Energizer or Duracell?

Me: What the hell? I don’t need batteries for sex. I need a man.

Him: Alright then, would you be willing to wear 2 bags?

Me: ……..

Him: You know, so in case the first one falls off.

Me: Never mind, just get me the economy pack, AAA’s.

Happy Non-Fucking Birthday to me !!!