I’ve only ever truly loved one boy/man up till now. I’ve only said “I love you” to one boy/man in my life. Before I met my ex-husband, I had naively thought I had been “in Love” with 2 other boys. I was so crushed by their rejection. I felt that my heart had been broken when things ended. Truthfully, I never knew either of them well enough to be “in love”. It was just lust, youth and hormones I felt. My feelings were bruised and battered in the end. Not my heart.
I pined and mooned over my very last boyfriend for years after we broke up. His time was the summer before I met my now “ex-husband”. His name was Joe. He had the most beautiful hazel eyes and dark hair. I was 100% in lust with that boy. So consumed by his sultry, cocky smile that I stayed starry-eyed for the entire 6 weeks we dated. I couldn’t see anything but him. It was summer and it was crazy. I fell fast, I fell hard, and I splattered hard on the ground at the end. It took us almost 20 years to apologize to each other, to finally get the answers for all the misunderstandings that occurred to break us apart. He was overseas and I think feeling particularly homesick. We spoke about reconnecting in person when he came home.
Somewhere in the periphery of mind during those online conversations we had, I contemplated an unspoken question of “what if”. Would it be possible to wipe the slate clean of the past and start over as if new acquaintances? I’ll never know. He never tried to contact me once stateside. I tried once to get his attention but he never replied. I’m fairly sure that once he got home, reality set in. If he told anyone that we had talked, I’m pretty sure that someone convinced him it would be a mistake.
He’s since gotten married and that put an end to my illusions or should I say delusions.
I’ve chalked it up to an unrequited chance at second “love”.
Thanks to Ann St. Vincent for inspiring this post. I look forward to hearing how the “18 years between kisses” experience has panned out. I have a feeling it’s a heck of a lot better than my story.