99 problems and unicorns ain’t one

Sorry to use that song as a tag line, but it’s apropos for today. I’m sitting at my desk enjoying a Whataburger breakfast taquito (yummmmmmmmmmy), reading blog posts and wondering how I’ll get through today.
This is not typical thinking for me.
I generally just slog through any given day and don’t have an actual deep thought as to how I’m feeling. I try to ignore my feelings as much as possible because they suck me into a deeper black hole than I’m already in. I don’t want to ponder my unhappiness. Instead I just focus on the issues that make me unhappy. I don’t know if that makes sense except in my own head.

Since I refuse to seek out psychiatric counseling any more due to the negative effects I’ve encountered in the past, writing is now my therapy. To put what I think into written words and then allowing others to read them, is a huge step for me. The other day I did a post on the A-Z of my feelings. It was a trigger of sorts that has been rather toxic for me since. I’ve never been comfortable exposing my inner turmoil. My ex-husband was the only person I have ever told my deepest, darkest secrets to. It turns out that in doing so only caused him to pity me and then he would use those issues against me in the worst possible ways.
I’m trying to work past being scared of allowing others to learn about my history for fear of recrimination, judgement, scorn, dislike, etc. You get the point. I want to not care what others may think about me. Impossible but still my goal.

I’ve been dealing with chronic manic depression for close to 20 years. I never knew I was most likely depressed my entire childhood, teenage years and well into adulthood until I started working in the medical field at age 23. I hadn’t realized I’d been suppressing all my issues with non-prescription drugs and alcohol. Once I stopped them, all the demons let loose like a pack of panicked wildebeests. Over the years I’ve had major crisis’ that brought me to my knees and I’ve managed to medicate myself back into mental stability. I hate being medicated. It saves me from myself so I do it without fail and won’t ever stop. I’m thinking about asking for a mood stabilizer in addition to my anti-depressant but fear the side effects. I don’t react well to most medications. This complicates my ability to ask for help. The fear of the unexpected. It’ll take me a few days longer to decide what to do until after I collect more intel via Google searches about the medications I want to present to my doctor as choices. That’s one thing I appreciate, is that she takes into account my suggestions. We’ve known each other a long time and have worked together professionally in the past. She and I have spent many hours discussing my ability to self diagnose my symptoms, what is possibly causing them, the inherent risks, and possible treatment options. Who should know me better than myself?

Bitchy, bitter, grumpy, annoyed, lonely, tired, sad, confused, bored, unhappy, broke, frazzled,and generally just blah. Maybe it’s the change in weather or the change in time. I don’t the answer yet. I have a million concerns that bother me regularly, just have to figure what to tackle first.
I’m bound to figure this out and I’ll stop all this nonsense. Until then, thanks for reading and commenting.

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