Exploring my sexuality

This will be an ongoing category on my blog. I’m not comfortable in any way writing this, but it needs to be done for my own mental health. I’m not doing this for pity or judgement. I just can’t keep having all the confusing thoughts and misconceptions running around in my mind. They need order. Admittedly I could do this in a journal and keep it private, but I’m finding that getting it out there publicly has been helping. Being honest on here keeps me honest with myself, something I’ve never been good at.

A little background before moving forward. Beginning at the age of 5 until I was 15 years old, I was forced by my stepfather to endure sexual abuse. It would forever sculpt the way I respond or not respond to men and myself in the quest for pleasure.

One of the hardest things for me to admit about myself is that I am uncomfortable with my own ability to find pleasure sexually. The brain controls everything. It triggers receptors, send more blood the bodies pleasures centers. It displays images in the mind so they we can be further stimulated. I’m constantly hijacked by my thoughts. I’m embarrassed when by myself by what turns me on and how I go about getting personal gratification. I fear discovery, in my own home, by myself, with the door locked, curtains drawn. I worry about not being able to get off. That the orgasm I’m hoping for won’t be gratifying. I give myself a timetable and then when the moment of pleasure comes, I close off my mind and fail miserably at real satisfaction. Why must my mind be my biggest enemy? If I can’t allow myself to get turned on when alone, how the hell can I ever allow a man to try in a one on one situation again?

I’ve been celibate for 5 years and counting. I’m trying to figure out how to go about allowing myself to get comfortable with being open minded during sex. How do I not sabotage my own pleasure?

Here is what leads me to understand why I behave the way I do.

  1. I was taught early on by my mother that being chaste was what a girl aspired to be. I didn’t understand what chaste ment as a little girl.
  2. Being fondled and coached sexually at such a young age confused me on understanding what about sex was right and what was wrong.
  3. I was sexually abused by my stepfather, stepbrother, and a male cousin.
  4. I was promiscuous at a very young age. I didn’t have boundaries.
  5. I don’t know if was ever penetrated by the men who abused me. I’ve never been able to unblock those memories. I don’t know who was my “first”.
  6. I was 16 and no longer living with my mother when the first boy that wanted to have sex with me actually raped me when I said “no”. He lasted about 15 seconds and managed to use a condom.
  7. I suffer from long-term PTSD due to the my childhood. Rather than react, I retreat inwardly and will compartmentalize the situation into separate boxes until I can deal and move on.
  8. I’m extremely submissive sexually. I have a negative view of my own body and my desires.
  9. I’ve never had a healthy, normal relationship with any man. I crave and fear intimacy.
  10. I’ve never been truly appreciated as a woman by a man. The first man I loved ruined my self esteem in ways I’ve yet to overcome. None since him have been given the opportunity to try. I can’t seem to find the key that will unlock the person I know I want to be.

My new adventure is to find the key that will unlock the answers and hopefully shed some light on my issues, and I’ll be going about it in my own unorthodox way. I will keep up the stories of my own past sexual experiences to help me work out my issues. I hope that in doing so I might heal the psychological scars.

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5 thoughts on “Exploring my sexuality

  1. I’m very sorry to hear about your past experiences. These things happen far too frequently and it sickens me.

    I hope that, through writing everything out, you begin to heal. My experiences are vastly different than yours, but writing about them did help me process what I had endured and move past it.

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  2. I appreciate your empathy. It is, was, and always be something I can never forget. It’s my choice in how I choose to move on and not allow it to be baggage for me that will be a very important factor in my next relationship if I can get there. I’m always working to be happy with who I am. I’m enjoying getting to know people in the blogosphere that have walked a few miles in similar shoes. Helps me gain perspective and insight.

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  3. B says:

    I want to start by telling you how much it hurts to hear that someone had to endure what you have growing up. I don’t wish this upon anyone. My heart goes out to you.

    When it comes to sex growing up I was confused. Not how to have sex but what it really means. I was never taught about the difference between sex and love. I had to learn on my own and that left more questions than answers. I had my first sexual experience when I was nineteen. Growing up I was that fat kid everyone made fun of and so the torment played havoc to my mental state. It wasn’t until I left my environment and changed myself for the better. The other confusing thing was my sexual preference. I knew that women turned me on but I had thoughts of men too. I never said anything about that to anyone. I kept it all to myself because I was afraid of what others would think or potentially loose friends because of it. It got to the point where my mind would take over and ruin the experience and the mood.

    Like you, I was embarrassed in what got me turned on and sometimes I felt ashamed. Even after I got married I never said anything to my wife. I was leading a separate sexual life in my head, one that I wanted to explore and experience. I realized it is okay to be this way. To not be embarrassed or ashamed on what I like. There are others that like the same thing. The ones that make mock you or look at you differently are the ones with a closed mind and don’t accept people for who they are. It wasn’t until recently (in the past year) that I had opened up to my wife about what I like sexually. She accepted it with an open mind and I have learned a lot about what her fantasies and her likes are. We even have made some of our fantasies come true. I can say that I am no longer a closet bi-sexual but one that is accepted for who I am.

    Don’t give up hope on finding the man that will treat you like a woman. They are out there and you will find yours. You deserve, as all women deserve, to be treated this way. Sorry if I went on too long but this is something that I can talk about because of how it has affected me in the past. I didn’t even talk about PTSD (which I suffer from also) and what it can do to your physical and emotional state. So keep a positive mind that you will get through this and come out better than ever.

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    • thank you for commenting. I must say it was some of the nicest words said to me in a very long time. It is very difficult to explore without fear of judgment. I think that is my main issue, I’ve been trying to write about all the issues I have. Mostly I feel like a freak afterwards and just don’t post.
      PTSD is very real in my life and not easily understood by the mainstream everyday person. I’m grateful for your understanding. One day at a time, each one that I’m granted.

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      • B says:

        You are welcome. I have only read a couple of your posts and I have enjoyed them. As I don’t post much it is because I second guess myself about what I have written. If you read through my blog you will see that I suffer from depression as well as PTSD. I agree that it isn’t easily understood. Even some counselors I have talked to don’t understand me when I talk about it. Talking to someone who understands is a tremendous help.

        One day at a time is what I do as well. I cherish them because I know that anything can happen especially where my mind can go. Here’s to more good days. 🙂

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