opening a can of worms

Isn’t life supposed to be about lessons learned? It was Albert Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? When do you have the light bulb moment that clues you in to the insanity?
For me, I tend to make huge life decisions rashly. Like a runaway freight train straight into a 100 ft ravine. No thinking required. I have laundry lists of regrets from reacting rather than hesitating. This is probably my worst fault.
There have been two bloggers I’ve been following these last couple months. They’ve been writing about their long distance relationship that started after connecting via feedback on their blogs. It’s been emotionally charged reading about their experiences with each other. It’s been easy to get caught up in the drama. I’ve felt as if I were personally vested in how they got along.
Unfortunately, everything imploded between them in a rather bewildering way this week. It was particularly disheartening and difficult to watch unfold because it was on such a public forum. I reached out to one of them and offered some advice that I hope helped.
It’s hard to say how things will turn out.
Which leads me to back to my original topic about lessons learned.
For anyone who’s ever dealt with their personal internal struggles they understand what triggers are. There are times when I’m undergoing great stress or dealing with emotional turmoil that something will trigger within me some very bad personal behavior. I struggle with my personality disorders, such as they are. If only I could see them before hand and just take a step back and look at how I’m behaving.
I gave up the fight and got back in touch my former FWB “Peter” that I wrote about not too long ago on this blog.
I’m so very, very weak when it comes to him. He’s not a bad person. He’s only ever wanted what is best for me. All I have ever done is push him away. And the dance continues.
The same result every time we reconnect. Are we both insane? Is he hoping I’ll change my mind about him. Do I wish he’ll finally give up and move on? It’s so strange how much we’ve both changed over the years. We’re now two totally different people than when we met. It’s fascinating to see how we’ve settled into our lives now that we’re in our 40’s.
The other day I felt the need to start writing a letter as if I was writing to him. Not sure if I’ll have the guts to publish it here or not. It’s something that has been very cathartic. Being able to openly express everything I’ve felt over the last 12 years but would never in a million years actually express out loud. I can almost feel the burden of those feelings lifting off of me. It’s important to try to be objective and not allow my behavior from my past color my behavior now.
Time will tell whether or not we will cross paths in real life again rather than cyberspace. As it right now, the goal is to focus on not being so irrational with my thoughts.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s