ghosts of pleasure past

I have been enjoying the anonymity that this blog has given me. It’s a nice way to express myself so I don’t have to do that with people. Maybe I enjoy my solitude a little too much sometimes. I haven’t been very active writing recently. A few posts have been started but I can’t find the desire to finish them. My general overall health has been in the crapper due to female issues. My attitude is shit.
All this down time causes me to have the tendency to getting carried away in my head with subjects that make no sense. Like singing the same 2 verses to a song over and over for days (FUCKING JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!).
Other times I start thinking about people I’ve known but haven’t had contact with in ages…and “POOF”!
Out of nowhere they somehow manage to track me down again.
One such person is an old friend/lover. Many years ago, roughly 12 or so, I met a man named “Peter”. He was extremely sexy and had the ability to turn my insides to mush with a single kiss. He was a booty call, someone to have decent, no strings sex with. I think maybe in the beginning I thought there was a chance that we might end up as more.
But we were NEVER going to end up together other than the occasional romp in the sheets. But my oh my, did I ever fantasize about it. There was a definite attraction and volatile chemistry. I’m fairly sure he caught on to my fanciful thoughts because he up and left the state within a few months after we met. He made it more than clear there was nothing and no one keeping him from leaving. Yeah, that stung a wee bit.
We did manage to stay in touch after his move. At some point he made a return back to my neck of the woods, and for the duration we met for more sex. But his living arrangements didn’t work out and he up and moved away. This time for good.
It never lessened our friendship, because we had become friends. We would text, send a few naughty pics but when he would ask I couldn’t bring myself to video chat. I’ve never had a positive body image and the thought of streaming my looks online scared the ever-loving shit out of me.
Even when he lived in my state, he always had a semi-permanent “lady friend”. I was the extra bit on the side, I don’t think he saw it as wrong.
I’m morally ambiguous about cheating after having been cheated on during my marriage, I’ll have sex with you, I don’t care about your relationship status. Just don’t drag me into it.
Peter was a man who never seemed to be in a hurry to put down roots or commit 100% to anyone because of what I call the “Peter Pan” effect. He didn’t want to grow up. He was a grown man with teenage boy tendencies. He’d never married, never even come close. He once told me if he couldn’t have what his parents had then he wouldn’t commit. Maybe I’m too tough on the guy?
Anyhow, I decided to drop out of his universe more than year ago after reading his timeline on Facebook one day. He’d done a complete 180 in his lifestyle and was rapidly progressing into a rabid “born again” religious stance. I’m not a fan simply because I don’t want to be preached to. I’m an atheist and I’m sticking to it. I don’t associate myself with overtly religious people because I tend to find myself having to argue my position.
It’s a lost cause.
More than anything I’ve disassociated myself with him because I have felt guilty about having been less than honest with him over the years about my life. I have tried to keep him as far away out of life as possible without completely kicking him to the curb. I’d honestly lost the feelings I’d once had for friendship and no longer felt like being just a dirty distraction whenever he remembered me. It was enough to put me off him for good.
He’s reached out to me again and I’m feeling more than ambivalent about accepting him back into my tiny world. He lives so far away and we haven’t seen each other in may, many years. I don’t think we’d have that connection again and I’m not sure he isn’t just wanting a cheap thrill. Should I feel guilty about never letting him hear from me again? Or just leave him as a ghost of pleasure’s past?


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